It’s been under 88 hours and you have not replied to my previous electronic messages….(aka email)

whatever…I need your help…I had a wonderful thought earlier, and it was drowned by my short attention span….and this span that i speak of only happens when im listening to great music….but i still need your help

im currently listening to sebadoh’s “flame”…which is a song about crystal meth use (according to lou barlow at a show philip and i saw in sacramento, at a club that was the only fetish outlet that scramento had … or at least the only worthwhile fetish outlet sacramento had, but i digress)\\the problem i have with this scenario is that i know “happily divided” (another sebadoh song) will follow…and i find myself staring at a bottle of lubricant and a “somewhat” used roll of toilet paper (the somewhat means the only paper used has cleaned up the lumps/or wads of cum that my lackluster penis has shot…mostly at my own persuasion)

i cant seem to shake my virgo nature
what do you do?

Im trying to create a thoughtful/thoughtless sexually charged album that me and my beloved can fuck to…

i face the problem of loving music so much that i just end up searching for obscure bands or songs or whatever, that i tend to enjoy… and I would love to fuck to….but i realize that 97 percent of the population sober or otherwise, just ….hmmm…well lets just say not as many panties are soaked by the donner party or the vaselines or well, anything i might like to have sex to (lets not forget i like the sound of a guitar being run over by a vaccum)

what happened to me?…why can’t i just be ok with 50 cents “just a little bit” ? i mean really…its a very sexy song…and i really am a huge fan of face down ass up….i mean really…it makes me hit that pussy with confidence and stride…but i have a hard time taking it as seriously as i want to give it…

help help help

i love you

-kc

(please post this email on your website edited as you see fit…the only catch is that you need to respond to my email, and, at the very least, give me your web address…. as i do not have it)

and I sez to KC

Hey KC, sorry I didn’t respond earlier… I got bored of that Spiritualized video and didn’t really watch it long enough to ascertain whether that fella was right to get all touchy about it or not… Sorry.

Anyway,

1. So that’s what “Flame” is about. I always wondered.

2. I don’t know if I have a Virgo nature very much. I’ve never thought that the description of Virgo fit me very well, but I did read in one of B-Cow’s friends’ books on astrology that one’s moon sign is more indicative of what you’re like on da inside, and the sun sign is more like how people see you, how you respond to the world, and my moon sign is in Pisces, which

“…suggests a quiet, retiring, easy-going, super-sensitive, poetic and mild emotional nature. You can be restless, easily depressed, changeable, irresolute and easily discouraged by obstacles and opposition. To some degree you lack a matter-of-fact, practical and common-sense approach to life - by temperament, you are more emotional than intellectual. Psychic ability is indicated and you may be drawn to subjects such as religion, mysticism and spiritual growth. Music, poetry and romantic literature will have a soothing and therapeutic effect upon your inner self. Easily hurt, you seek emotional security through periods of peace and seclusion.”

And that fits well enough, I guess. I don’t know - I have this sneaking suspicion that astrology is, as the French say, totally made up.

3. I too suffer from this problem of having a vastly contrarian conception of which music is sexy to listen to while sexing. Personally, I can think of nothing better for that function than “Puffin Stars” by Helium with the Bird of Paradise, off of that Kill Rock Stars’ compilation I have, Rock Stars Kill I think. All breathy and mystical and kinda drony. If you don’t wanna just flat out give up and go for out and out “booty music,” maybe going towards more drony songs would help… kind of a compromise? I’m not sure.

It reminds me of when this neighbor at Apartment K when Jake and Rachel still lived there came to us asking for music to have sex to with her husband (for the first time in a year and a half, I think) and she ended up taking “Highway 61 Revisited” from me and “Moon Safari” from Jake. Jake said, “This might be good… you’ll probably wanna skip the second one though.” Which is “Sexy Boy,” but no, of course she thought that was perfect. But to me, and Jake, and so far no one else that I’ve ever told this too, that’s ridiculous. Who would want to have sex to “Sexy Boy”? I don’t get it. That make me all, how you say, incredibly self-conscious. As in, I don’t think I’m a particularly sexy fella, certainly not enough to have a song playing suggesting it.

The only other thing I can think of is, hey, can’t go wrong with Midnite Vultures. But let’s see what the internet thinks. I’ll post this on my “blog.”

Well, gang? Internet? What can KC do to solve this dilemma? Anyone have a similar problem? The “sexy” music is the dumb and the good music is not considered sexy? Suggestions? Oh, and also, that neighbor never gave either of those albums back, by the way.

Also, Phil, I just want to particularly thank you for agreeing with me about how I can do better and being proud of me ‘n shit. I kinda feel like people are thinking, well, of course work sucks, eat a dick thou whiny bitch, so it’s nice to see affirmation that some jobs are so much worse than others that you really shouldn’t take them unless you have to feed your twelve kids or heroin addiction or whatever.

Those of you who know me perhaps have noticed that I have somewhat of a gift for maintaining or finding dignity in situations which other people might not. (Those of you who don’t know me: that thing I said is true.) I was oddly proud of being a janitor, for one thing. (But janitorial work is something that legitimately needs to be done, even in a just society. If we’re still frying hot dogs on the sidewalk after the revolution, count me out. I mean, you can make your own damn hot dogs, comrade citizen.) But anyway, I don’t know that I can preserve dignity through this. I have my limits.

Anyway, their corporate manual did say something about not having long sideburns, so if they really try to pull that shit on me, maaaaan, I’m so outta there.

“Looks like it’s suicide for me again!” - Moe Szyslak

I don’t know if it’ll work, but even if it does, the scan is largely illegible so here’s the transcript, if you will:

Things to Invent

TV directly in brain
Sleep-floss
Spray-on tooth enamel
Self-eating plant
24-string guitar
Minivan with morphine IV for kids
Sterilization ray gun
Bel-Biv-Devoe flavored Hostess cake
Car that runs on feces
Meatflavored motorized slurpie that runs on bullets
Underwear that gives oral sex
Smart-alecky robot sidekick
Electric clothes (plug in to wall)
Bomb that only kills VJs
a carbonated slap in the face
Underwear that gives enemas (old person target audience, as useful as metamusel.

My personal favorite is Jake’s “bomb that only kills VJs,” although “car that runs on feces” is pretty good. What the hell, these are mostly solid ideas. Get inventing, jerks.

“Chimerical snot rocketeer seeks rancid butt slave for razzle-dazzle. Inquire within.”

Apparently no one likes a crazy-pants.

I have decided to conduct an experiment in how crazy I can act before people completely refuse to interact with me. To that effect, I present a personal ad composed on the ol’ craigslist to see what comes of it.

Here it is.

Responses, if any to follow.

“Work, work, work. Work is for jerks.”

Sigh.