INKSTAND

I knew that the plot of this movie was going to be lame. I knew it was just going to be some cheap adhesive to hold together a battle between Aliens and Predators. I knew I was going to hear lines like:
“People are dying!”
and
“God help us all!”
The reason I wanted to see the movie is obvious. Bad-ass monsters fighting like bad-asses. Also, there was the promise of a “predalien”, a hybrid of the two creatures that was hinted at at the end of the last movie. I’m sure this has been a fantasy of many a nerd ever since the two franchises merged in Dark Horse comics in 1989. I know I drew a couple back in 7th grade.
So here he is:

Pretty cool, huh? Unfortunately that’s the best shot you’re going to get of him. Most of the movie is more like this:

Dark, rainy, and too much movement to tell what’s going on. I had a difficult time differentiating between a drone alien and the Predalien. The mosters had already been made, looking awesome, in their own respective pictures. Why was it so difficult for the director to show us this awesomeness in an all-out, well-lit battle? Oh, also I guess there were supposed to be tons of Aliens, like a swarm, but we never really saw that many. No long shots of the town just being devoured by them. That would have been nice to see.
All these things made the crappy plot unbearable. I felt like I was watching a SciFi Channel movie with a bigger budget and less conviction.

Don’t get excited, it’s not nearly as hot as it sounds. It’s a lip balm made out of Oskar Blues’ Old Chub beer. The lip balm doesn’t taste like beer, unfortunately. Beer, hops and barley are in the list of ingredients, but before that comes cocoa oil and shea butter and stuff. It actually kind of tastes like coffee. I think maybe Tully’s could buy it from them and they wouldn’t even have to change the color of their packaging.
Oh, how well does it protect my lips from the elements? I dont know, pretty well I guess. I’m gonna keep using it. I think it’s the novelty, but I’m starting to like the flavor and hey, maybe it is preventing the chapping of my lips.

Oh, Secret Santa!
This isn’t going to be a very good review. That is to say, the quality of my review will be poor. I don’t know if it was because of the drinks I had before and during the show or because I was just having such a great time, but I didn’t take many mental notes. I mean, I could describe the things that happened and jokes, but there is no way it would do the show justice. But I assure you, I give the Dina Martina Christmas Show the highest rating I might give if I had any sort of rating system.
One great thing a performer can do is put their audience at ease. I knew some audience participation would be involved, and I had an aisle seat. I get nervous about getting picked out of an audience sometimes. When the time came, she only picked people who raised their hands because she didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. How considerate! It makes me love her even more. Since I was in an aisle seat she still sang at me a couple of times.
The show was a mix of singing, videos, and handing out gifts (pronounced “jifts”). The singing was out of control of course, with its off-key, out-of-tune incorrect lyrics. She sang one song towards the end with a vocoder on her vocals. That’s the part where I laughed the hardest. The videos were fun, with Dina’s head imposed over old footage. My favorite was “It’s A wonderful Life”. The card said “…and every time angel gets it’s wings, Zuzu’s head spins around.” You can guess what happened after that.
The jifting was fun because you get to see what cool things people get (like Dr. Pepper flavored beef jerky) and there was a particularly creepy helper named “Secret Santa.” How to describe him…I can’t really. He had on a mask and wig and a dirty Santa’s hat. He didn’t say a word and was just generally creepy-looking as he held the bag with the jifts in it. I really wish I had a photo of him.
In all honesty, there isn’t a lot I can say about the show. I’m sure I could go in depth with it if I had been wearing my blogging goggles during the show, but I wasn’t. I can say that I’ve had more fun at this show than I have had in a while and you should really just go if you get a chance.

Here’s a video that also does not do the show justice.