Review# 256: Ultra Strength Bengay Patch
I don’t know what happened, I must have just slept wrong, but this morning my neck and shoulders were fucking killing me. I was able to get through my day as long as I kept moving. If I stayed in one spot too long I would have time to think about the pain and that was no good. At about 7 o’clock at work I decided I had to try something other than Excedrine and ibuprofen, neither of which were working. I went to the shelf and picked up the Bengay patch. After buying it I noticed that it had expired a year ago. I got my money back, opened the box and put it on. Yeah, like this stuff expires. The only good that does is get me my shit for free.
Bengay is the same principal as Icy Hot. First it’s cold, then it’s hot, at least that’s what the package of this product claimed. It even says right on the front “deep, penetrating heat.” Before I get to how inaccurate that claim is, let me tell you how difficult it was to put on. The thing is slinky and slimy like a…a…I don’t know, but it ain’t natural. It sticks just fine, but if you move it bunches and creeps and crawls around, making the already difficult chore of reaching my own back even more difficult. I had to bare my back to the lovely Julia, a 16-year-old bagger and one of my angels, so that she could assist me.
Oh, I felt the cold part. That was fine. I thought, “oh, good, it’s working.” Sadly, it never got past the cold part. I didn’t get the “deep, penetrating heat” I desperately needed. Now I’m at home, shirtless, having rubbed myself down with Tiger Balm which seems to be doing the same “cold but not hot” thing. I’m having a beer, but I seriously doubt that will help at all. I would give my left nut for a joint right now.
If you can help it, skip the patch and go straight for the smelly balm stuff. Preferably Icy Hot.