INKSTAND

I was excited to see Obsessed because it looked bad and trashy but I was worried it would be really bad when it was pointed out that it’s rated PG-13. Lame. I was pretty much right, this is a bad movie. I didn’t like any of the music selections, but that’s not surprising. The title sequence and the romantic scenes between Beyonce Knowles’ character Sharon and her husband Derek, used to show how strong they’re relationship is, went on a little too long. And usually set to the same yucky music. Ali Larder did a good crazy, but she’s proven that before, and Knowles does a pretty good bitch when dealing with Larder’s character.

Plot-wise, it’s pretty basic. Unlike it’s predecessor Fatal Attraction, the male lead in this movie didn’t actually sleep with the woman who works with him and begins stalking him and his family. He never even leads her on. It’s true, he’s totally innocent. So where does he go wrong? He doesn’t tell anyone that this crazy bitch is being crazy! He has no reason NOT to tell his wife and also get her crazy ass fired! So he does kind of get what he deserves to a lesser extent.

The most redeeming quality of this movie was the cat fight between Knowles and Larder at the end. It could have been a lot better. The camera was shaky and that always gets tiresome, but there was some good tusslin’ going on. I really wish I could compare it to Vivica Fox and Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, but…well, they’re not trained assassins, they’re just crazy bitches. Now I’m going to post the best part of the movie here because I will not be spoiling anything at all. It goes on for a few more minutes and ends with falling through the ceiling and the old chandelier-crash-on-the-crazy-bitch gag.

The best thing that I can hope will come from this movie is a series that may all go straight to DVD. I think by the time Obsessed 3 comes out, cat fight thrillers will be all the rage.

And to help the cause, here’s more chicks fighting:

When I saw the trailer for the new Wolverine movie I thought it might not be as bad as one would fear. And it wasn’t really. As like the other X-Men movies I enjoyed trying to figure out which character the actors were portraying. I hate to admit I had to look a few of them up in this movie. It’s hard to tell how good the effects were because it was an unfinished copy of the movie and a ton of digital effects hadn’t been applied yet. Ropes were showing, the background in car shots looked worse than a soap opera and some entire shots were made unfurnished digital models. It was fun to watch.
I feel that if they wanted to use Jackman as Wolverine again, they should have kept a tighter continuity. I think I might of missed some things, like how and when Logan loses his memory, but there are things, mostly who he knows, that don’t add up. Why doesn’t Sabertooth remember Wolvie? Prof X shows up at the end and rescues a bunch of young mutants, including Cyclops and Emma Frost. Where did Emma go later on? Maybe it’s asking too much to go back in time to fix the future for these kinds of things. I think I saw Banshee and Quicksilver in there too. The whole story seemed a little muddled but it was fun overall.

***Spoiler alert!!*** I’m spoiling this movie! Because you have the right to know!

This is one of those movies that I always saw at the video store. I spent a large portion of my youth scanning the Horror section, yet for some reason the box to April Fool’s Day never made itself seem more interesting than the others I chose. Well, I saw it this weekend. It’s a good, run-of-the-mill, 80’s horror movie. Young people having sex, partying and getting killed. I don’t remember if there were any titties in it, but i sure recall the scene with the dude in tighty-whiteys (Jockey brand y-fronts, to be exact). And a few times when Biff Tannen and another dude kept pretending to be gay together.
A bunch of people get together for some reason at the island-home of Muffy. They all get killed, Muffy has a twin, Buffy, blah blah blah. So what’s the spoiler? Who was the killer?
No one! It was an April Fool’s prank! The whole thing! Even after this is disclosed, Muffy gets her throat slashed…but that’s a gag, too! No one is the killer because no one actually gets killed! Other than that little fact, it’s a perfectly good 80’s horror flick. Just be ready to care even less than you normally would about the characters.

This is one of those movies where the imagery carries so much weight on it’s own that it seems to take on a life of it’s own, developing a meaning for itself far from whatever meaning the story may have. The story is still fun and heartwarming, the fantasy parts are great. Overall it’s a pretty good movie. Especially when stoned.

First and foremost I want to thank Jeremy for getting this movie on his Netflix que. He got a small handfull of movies this last weekend and this was in there. I am probably the only person (in the world) that wanted to see this movie and, while it was a steaming pile of dung, I’m glad I got to. It’s not very often a movie comes along that reminds me of those late weekends watching “Up All Night” on the USA network during my formidable years. Thanks, baby. You know how I like crap!
The premise is simple. This guy falls in love when he’s like eight years old. Jump ahead about 20 years, this guy’s girlfriend dumps him so he decides to hunt down his childhood crush. Said crush (Paris Hilton) lets him into her life, remarkably easy I might add, but she won’t date anyoine until she finds a man for her ugly friend. In the process of finding a man for her, this guy falls in love with the uggo. While this description seems pretty bare-bones, I feel that I have already used too many words to deliver it.
The characters are some of the shallowest portrayals of ancient low-brow comedy archetypes I have ever seen. Hilton’s character is, you know, just there. The most personality we get from the ugly girl is that she’s bitter because she’s ugly. And all that comes to mind when I think of the male lead is his vacant face trying to heart-feltedly convince someone of something (but sometimes he’s lying) like he does throughout the movie.
I want to throw this into the “so bad it’s good” pile, but I can’t think of any examples as to why that is. You must also understand how high my threshold for “bad” is. I think what I’ll do is tell you not to ever watch it because…you just won’t like it.

I didn’t see the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk movie. Well, I did, but you know the old story. I was wasted. Or fell asleep. Or both. But it’s well know that this is not a sequel to that movie. That being said, I’m very glad that they decided to forgo the whole “origin story” with this movie. They show some of it, but just during the opening credits, catching us up, but sparing us from hearing yet another rendition of a well-known song.

I’m going to cut to the chase. What interests me most about this movie is it’s part in the build-up to the Avengers movie, planned for summer of 2011. I read that there are plans for a Iron Man sequel and a Thor movie in 2010 and a Captain America and Avengers movie in 2011.(most of this is confirmed on IMDB) The Iron Man movie that came out earlier this year seemed like a set up for something else, especially since the only real bad guy was a geezer with a similar weapon. Of course this is true since after the credits we see Sgt. Nick Fury of S.H.E.I.L.D. approach Tony Stark about the Avengers Initiative. Similarly, at the end of Incredible Hulk, Stark comes to General Ross about forming a team.
What I’m having a problem with is the continuity in which these films are taking place. We have regular continuity and “Ultimate Marvel” continuity. Nick Fury looking like Samuel L. Jackson (and thus played by SLJ) is from Ultimate, however the term “Intiative” is from regular continuty, a team that was formed after the recent Civil War. Also, Tony Stark revealing his identity to the public is from regular continuity, but Bruce Banner becoming the Hulk while trying to re-create a super soldier serum (this is foreshadowing to Captain America, BTW) is from Ultimate.
Ok, so I’ve strayed waaaay far from reviewing this movie (It was good, if you like action movies/comics, you’ll dig it). I guess what I want to know about is Thor. I LOVED the idea of Ultimate Thor. He was a beer-swilling hippie that everyone thought was crazy and delusional, and his brother Loki, god of mischief and trickery, convinced everyone he was just a loony human with a super-suit and got him locked up. Is that gonna be the Thor movie? And the Avengers…What other Avengers will be on the team? The incestuous brother/sister team of Qucksilver and Scarlet Witch from Ultimate? Vision, the robot from regular continuity? Which form will Henry Pym take? Giant Man, Ant Man, Yellow Jacket? Who’s the villain? Skrulls? Red Skull?

ok, i’ve gone on enough. All my questions will soon be answered. Now check out this awesome Hulk Theme song from the 60’s. That, along with the others, tells with frying-pan-over-the-head obviousness that Stan “The Man” Lee was still runnin the House of Ideas when those were made. Who else would ryme “gamma rays” with “unglamorous.”

This movie rocks, plain and simple. That is, if you enjoy seeing people get blown to pieces, which I do.
There is, of course, some weak-adhesive of a plot that holds this thing together. Some dumb-assed do-gooders want to go to Burma to help people or something, and Rambo tells them it’s a bad idea. They get killed/captured and the mercs sent to save them get killed/captured. Now Rambo has to save their stupid asses and defeat an army in the process. This of course leads up to a final battle that was full of what was best described by someone in the room (Matt? Bird?) as “Reagan-era violence.”
Computer graphics are utilized in some of the best ways I’ve ever seen, ripping people apart, setting them on fire, and having arrows shoot through them. Old-fashioned blood-burst-packets are used as well. Women and children are not spared, as the militants savagely shoot and/or rape them. This of course more than helps to justify Rambo’s liberal dismembering of their bodies, dispatching of their limbs, and exploding of their heads.

Here is a nice montage of the action…Not too many innocent people getting f’ed up here, mostly just the bad dudes. So don’t feel guilty, just watch.

Ugh, whatta piece of crap. What started off as a lame haunted slasher movie turned into a bunch of stuff I stopped paying attention to. I tried. I mean, there were little girls dying and hidden teddy bear cameras and stuff, but I didn’t really get it. I’m sure the Japanese version was more entertaining. The film has, however, introduced another phrase into the catalog of inane crap I repeat over and over: “That’s not my ringtone!”

Years ago a man named Billy got the high score on Donkey Kong. Recently, a man named Steve claimed to have beaten that score. Who’d have thought a documentary about this situation could be so much fun to watch.

First of all, Billy is really full of himself. He exudes a brand of confidence rarely seen in an individual, much less someone who played a lot of Donkey Kong. He spits phrases that seem right at home on a No Fear t-shirt and wears his hair in a style that I don’t think was ever popular.

Steve is a man who never fulfilled his dreams of being in a band. He got laid off at Boeing the day he bought his house and went into teaching. He has a wife and kids who seem to just barely tolerate his drive and mild-mannered passion to beat Billy’s high score.

I got some strange feelings from both these men from things that either I inferred from the movie, or the movie only eluded to. I got the feeling that Billy is a control freak. There are shots of him stocking store shelves with the hot sauce from his restaurant, as vendors tend to do. He clearly pushes other products on the shelf to the side to create more facings for his hot sauce. I also think he insisted on certain things about how the film was presented. For instance we don’t see his wife, or even know that he’s married until he’s about to encounter Steve for the first time. Then he brings her out, of course she’s “hot”, and he struts her around the arcade. An arcade, mind you, where everyone kisses Billy’s ass and sort of snub Steve, hoping he’ll lose. Oh, that’s another thing, they have to compete for the title and Billy gets all weird and mind-gamey with Steve.

As far as Steve goes, his wife doesn’t say it directly but it is clear that she is at her wits end over the whole video game thing. She tells how people came to inspect Steve’s home Donkey Kong game, bother her mother and basically breaking in. His daughter is shown once saying something to him about it destroying his life. Even on the video that he sent in originally, you can hear his son yelling and crying in the background to be “wiped” while Steve tells him to wait.

This is a pretty entertaining movie because the people in it create drama wherever they can find it.
Here’s a clip of Steve winning. Note how everyone kind of doesn’t want him to win. Also note how Billy does everything from afar, via telephone. His response to Steve winning here was to send a video tape of him beating the score. So much drama!

So I never make “best of” lists at the end of the year because I don’t remember what came out when. I will say now, however, that this is the best movie of 2007. If you read the reviews on IMDB, you will see that nearly everyone thinks it’s terrible. In fact there are so many reviews that I’m sure people felt it was their duty to speak out against it. It’s true, the movie is chock full of bad acting, cliches and run-of-the-mill CG (which some people thought was good), but I think what is resposible for it being terrible also makes it terribly interesting. It’s a movie in english starring American actors but it was made for a South Koeran audience. That’s why the dialogue sounds like a program on Nick Jr. It’s slow and clear because it’s intended for an audience who’s primary language isn’t english.
The story’s not very complicated but when the back story was being told there were so many times i tuned out. Even the kid hearing the story kept saying “What do you mean?”
In a nutshell…Good serpants and bad serpants want the soul of this reincarnated chick to become big dragons. The bad one will destroy the world if he gets it. The bad one also has an army of magic dudes and huge lizards with lazers on their backs and flying mini-dragons and stuff. And while the bad dragon is so very prepared, the good dragon shows up at the end. What was he doing all this time? What a lazy good dragon. Or imoogo or whatever they call it in the film.
The battle scenes are pretty cool. Shit gets fucked up and you can tell by the way the crowds run and scream that this was made by an asian director.