INKSTAND

Someone left this bag at our store. It’s from a company in Portland, OR, Patty Reed Designs. It’s one of their line of bags called an “insta-tote” because it is collapsable, yet durable. As far as the design on it goes, well, the new girl and I were talking to two different people at the same time about this bag someone left and we each ended our sentence, almost in unison, “It’s hideous.”

I like the combination of black white and red, but it can’t save this design. I’ve never been a fan of the tiny polka dots and they really strain the image here, making my eyes hurt and my brain work too hard. Also, the type says “…girlfriends…” The women pictured hardly seem like friends and I would expect one to tear the other’s eyes out if she wore the same dress as her.

While this is as deep as my critique went, Rachel, the girl at work, developed a great hatred for the bag. She dearly wanted to rip it apart and destroy it. I prevented this, not wanting to have to explain it to a customer who might come to claim the bag. “Sorry, miss, our checker went ferral on it.”

There are so many things wrong with this advertisement. I first saw it a while ago in the trade magazine at work about private label products. I saw it again and had to say something about it. The best thing it has going for it is that it is symmetrical. It’s the only element of the ad that suggests they planned anything. The concept of the ad seems to be a mish-mash of at least three very weak concepts.

First we have the question: “What are these people smiling about?” When you see this in an ad, you should expect the makers of the ad to reveal the answer to this question while trying to sell you something. This ad never actually tells you why the people in the photos are smiling. Apparently the “paper people” did something for them, but we remain in the dark as to what this great favor was. Could it be that they helped all these ladies establish their store brand with quality private label products? Possibly, but I doubt it.

Then we have the photos. The only theme in this lot of photos is they are women of different ages and complexions. The clash of different photography styles and time periods is difficult to look at. Even though I feel the smiles give the same effect in all the photos, the styles are not uniform enough to cram together on a page in this manner. It is also simultaneously difficult and uncomfortable to think of these women not only using paper products, but smiling so widely after doing so.


Lastly we have the smiley face made from computer-generated tissue rolls in the middle of the page. What the hell is that? Why is the tissue paper smiling? I think the designer felt that the circle of photos of women was so weak he had to try to salvage something by sticking something cute in the middle. The smiling tissue is there to distract from the discomfort of the photos and the aimlessness of the question at the top of the page.


This ad is terrible. Whoever designed it must have either been on a hell of a deadline or not been getting paid very much. Or both.

This gum is made in Australia and comes in little boxes of about twenty pieces. A box costs less than two bucks, but i forget exactly how much. It tastes like licorice when you first chew it but the flavor quickly makes the transition to pepperminty-gum flavor. I like the narrow little box. It’s unobtrusive, stays intact, holds the gum, and is not made of metal like a lot of mint/candy packaging these days. I’m no Violet Beauregard, gum is usually just gum to me, and I won’t go out of my way to get this gum, but I do preffer it to, say, Eclipse or Orbit in an oh-so-subtle way.

The pot pie is one of the best dishes ever invented. It has everything a meal needs, baked in a pie. Perfect. I was at the store and saw the Claim Jumper frozen foods were on sale. I’d never had their pot pies so I thought I’d give it a shot.
I cooked it for 12 minutes in the microwave. For some reason Claim Jumper’s frozen foods have crazy times for microwaving. The Country Fried Chicken, for instance, calls for a microwave time of something like 4 to 71/2 minutes. The pot pie had various times based on the wattage of your oven. I should have put it in longer. when it came out the center was hot, but I could still bite into it without burning my mouth.
This pie passed the first test. When you order a pot pie at a restaurant the crust is always just on the top. I get that. But when you buy one that’s frozen, it MUST have the crust all around the bowl as well. I run into one once in a while that doesn’t and it infuriates me.
The pie was good, the crust on top was nice and flakey. The filling was good, too, but I did get a gristly chunk of chicken. And there was something about the sauce that made it a little too sweet, and it was gritty. Maybe I cooked it less than I thought, but you know when you’ve had a few and it’s dark and you just keep shoveling it into your mouth? it was like that.
So if they’re on sale, or cheaper than Marie Calendar’s. I say go for it. Just cook product thoroughly.

Man, I love Count Chocula. I remember it being a treat when I was a kid because it wasn’t always available in the area I lived in. In high school I even sent away for a bean bag toy that I’m sure I still have somewhere at my folk’s house. We just started carrying Count Chocula at the store where I work and the first thing I noticed was the odd design of the box.

It wasn’t that compared to Sonny, the cracked-out Cocoa Puffs bird, he looked more like a stoned greaser. Naturally I’m fine with that. What it was was that there is no cereal on the front. If you don’t already know what Count Chocula cereal is composed of this box design would not convinvce you that you want to eat it. You don’t know what it is! I think it takes a lot of balls for General Mills to think that the cereal will sell on it’s own reputation. It might, but for such a company to dumb down it’s advertising, especially on the product itself, is just a bad marketing move. They have done the same thing with their other cereals in the monster-inspired line, FrankenBerry and BooBerry.

There IS an image of the cereal itself on one of the narrow sides of the box, of all places. If I sound too nit-picky, I’m telling you: This is the first thing someone would point out in a critique if this were an assignment for a first-semester graphic design course.

I was looking for a hoodie, but since all of The Gaps hoodies are hideous this jacket caught my eye. I had a really great denim jacket that I left at a friend’s house when moving to Seattle. This one looked cool and the price was right so I tried it on and decided to buy it. The worst part about it is that the front pockets, where you put your hands, are all the way back at the side seam, so I have to reach back to put my hands in there. The best part about it is that there are three inner pockets! I love inner pockets, so I was thrilled to discover this. After I bought it, of course. So, depending on how long it lasts, yeah, I’d say it was worth the $30 or whatever I paid for it.

For some reason the first thing I did when I woke up (ok ONE of the first things I did) for the last two days was clean my bathtub. In addition to not wanting to see the scum anymore, it might have been because I wanted to break my usual monotonous workday routine of rolling out of bed, trying to clear my head of the beer-cloud, and stumbling off to work. At least I did something productive instead of, say, heroin.

I knew that the build-up was going to be too much for any one product, but I can’t help but be pulled in by the claims on the label. I tried Tilex first, which says “Dissolves bathroom grime with thick foam!” Dissolves? That’s perfect, it does all the work for me! And it sounds like something that would be accomplished by a thick foam. But alas it was no match for the layers upon layers of dirt and grime. Sure it pulled some of it up but not much, and it left streaks of dirt where the foam hadn’t run down the side of the tub. The bottle also says that there’s no need for scrubbing, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to.

I needed something else, so yesterday I picked up SoftScrub. The bottle said to rub gently, but of course I had to rub roughly. Despite the inclusion of actual elbow grease the product still did a great job. The grey gunk was visibly leaving the surface of the bathtub. The sad part about it was the area that I had to cover. The scum was crawling all the way up the shower walls. Once I got tired of that I did the sink, too.

Now my tub is relativley clean. It worked a lot better than when I tried to clean the tub in my old place. I plan on maintaining the cleaness, and if I do it again in a couple of days it may be even cleaner, so I’ll only have to use the foam stuff like once a week or something. I want my tub to be clean because sometimes I think “I might like to take a bath,” then I look in the tub and think “No, no I wouldn’t.”

Man, this guy does reviews right. Ok, I haven’t seen his other reviews, but this one is not only dead-on, but he backs up all his points and is more than satisfactorily informed of the subject he’s reviewing.
When the review starts, he goes off on foul-mouthed rants that express his distaste for the movie. After this subsides he clearly and knowledgably dissects the Ninja Turtles phenomenon keeping in step with a build-up to third movie. His description of that late 80’s/ early 90’s marketing bonanza is plainly put, so that people who weren’t in the thick of it (like I was) could still follow the progression.
He then spends the bulk of the second video reviewing the actual TMNT3 movie, and does so brilliantly. His take on it was pretty much the one I had, but at the time I didn’t care enough about the franchise anymore to get upset about it (which is odd, because he’s like a year older than me). In fact there is only one tiny flaw i saw in his review: I don’t think they intended that rat to be splinter’s ancestor, but rather intended a lame joke as a transition between scenes.
My favorite line has to be “This movie sucks so much fucking suck that it fucks.” Also, he’s actually reasonably attractive, especially when he’s getting really mad (see end of part2) or drinking Rolling Rock!
I just saw that he reviewed Friday the 13th for the NES. Im gonna watch that now.

If you register for the San Diego Comicon online, you get the opportunity to purchase this clear Bugs Bunny action figure for only $15.00! I’m all for premiums and stuff. Back in ‘95 when Kenner released the new Star Wars figures, I sent my Frosted Mini Wheat proofs of purchase in to get my Han Solo in Stormtrooper costume figure, just like everyone else. The great thing about that was that they didn’t offer that figure at all in the stores. They don’t offer this Bugs Bunny, either, but they do offer the same one in non-invisible form. Why is it that I finally decide to make the trek down there and they offer some crap like that. I suppose I should be glad that it’s not a really cool figure of someone I really like so I don’t feel obligated to spend even more money on this shindig than I’m going to in the first place. But next time, Comicon, when I’m all rich and shit, you’d better have a Jonah Hex figure with real melting-face action!

One day this last week my lips were so chapped they were bleeding. I bought this stuff and within a day my lips were all soft and kissable again. Still a little dry, but not too bad. And it tastes minty.