INKSTAND

Yeah, it was pretty bad. A lot of people are saying that she looked fat and out of shape and gave a half-hearted performance. I agree with most of that. Yes, she looks heavier than she has, but for someone who’s had two (ugly) children she looks pretty good. I mean, out-of-shape? Yes. Fat? Not really. She could have pulled off that outfit and extra weight more effectively, though, if she just didn’t seem so bored. Her moves were slow and minimal as she just paced back and forth while the extra dancers did all the work. If she was more on her game and danced like she meant it, most people would overlook the pudginess. The best way I can describe it is that she looked like she just woke up from a pill-induced nap. Not the best way to execute a highly publicized come-back.

Maybe it’s not Vincent. While Ethan escaped, someone took all the blackmailer’s pictures down, but Vincent was meeting Chad at a motel at that time. So very important, I know.

Seeing as how the show has been cancelled, I was hoping that towards the end, similar to shows like Roseannes talk show and Arrested Development, it would just get fucking ridiculous. I may be in luck. This is the best episode of Passions I’ve seen in a LONG time. There was arson, a gun fight, a half man/half woman blackmailer tying a naked dude to a chair, a baby witch making herself into an adult, and demons in a basment torturing a pimp. And in the “next time on Passions” thing, there was gay sex!
Thats not to say there weren’t bad things. Let’s start with those.(this may be complicated and/or boring if you don’t watch the show.)

-Jared is a douche. When he first showed up I thought it might be interesting to have another romantic interest for Theresa, but it ended up lame. And ever since he got shot or something, he’s been sitting in the hospital with this stupid grin on his face because Theresa is being blackmailed into marrying him. He doesn’t know that, naturally, she’s in love with Ethan like she has been since the first episode. I can’t stand looking at him anymore “ooh, I’m gonna marry Tess, blah, blah…”

-Luis is an idiot. “Oh, I’m being framed for rape and murder and already escaped once…I’d better try to clear my name by escaping again when my cell is mysteriously left open and my clothes are covered in gasoline…oh, I should put on said gas-soaked clothes while doing it.” What a moron!
Anyway…the good stuff…

More magic.Little Endora turned herself into an adult to show Jessica what life would be like if she stopped hooking and taking drugs and didn’t have Spike around. I was hoping for some “It’s A Wonderful Life” type scenario, but instead there was just a heartfelt talk between Jessica and a magical apparition of her father. Lame, but still the infusion of magic was welcomed…not as welcomed as…

The Boys in the Basement. Ever since the beginning we’ve seen these floor vents in Tabitha’s house glowing red, or a red glow and smoke coming from her basement door. There was always the mention of the evil that lived down there, but up until now we never got to see what was down there. While my imagination likes to think there is more, what we saw were two gnarly demon guys attacking Spike the pimp. Tabitha threw him down there to teach him a lesson, or “lession” as the person who writes Endora’s word bubbles chose to spell it. The guys look pretty evil (for a soap opera) and one even sinks his teeth into Spike before he escapes. He (for some reason) goes back into the house where he gets tossed and spun around by disembodied shadows. Rad!


The Blackmailer First of all I have a theory as to who this is. It’s a half man/half woman. My guess is that it is both Vincent and Valerie. I don’t watch everyday, but I haven’t seen those two, who are supposed to be in a relationship, on screen at the same time. Also, I think Vince/Val is the long lost son(daughter) of Julian and Eve. Valerie was recently hired to track this child down and did so, saying she only knew that he was there in Harmony. Vincent, on the other hand, has recently been having an affair with Chad, who he’s blackmailing. I’ve always liked duality in characters, be it evil twins, split personalities, or some half and half like Two-Face (although I never liked two-face that much).

I dig this character because s/he seems to have it in for everyone. Ethan found his/her apartment and there were pictures of everyone in Harmony plastered on the wall. Then Ethan got chloroformed, nakeded, and tied to a chair. The voice, though distorted, is obviously that of Vincent. What I’m not sure about is the motives for trying to cause misery for people like Fancy and Luis, other than they deserve it because they suck.

Arson The blackmailer killed an informant and rigged his apartment to blow up when Luis went investigating. Explosions and fire are always cool.
A gunfight Stupid Luis is trying to escape the fire, but theres bars on the window. He decides to shoot the lock off. The police outside see his silhouette with a gun and open fire. Meanwhile a pack of bullets left by the informant catch fire and begin going off. Then Luis gets shot by his girlfriend. I hope he’s dead!

Next time on Passions: Gay Sex!!!

Been bowling tonight, ergo, I’m drunk. Bring on the bullets!:
-The scene(s) where River is whaling on the Reavers is probably one of my favorite scenes in a movie, ever.
-I thought there was no way that a 2 hour movie could satisfy my curiosity after finishing the Firefly series, mostly thinking of Shepard Book’s mysterious past. I was wrong. The movie basically told the audience, by telling Mal (Captain Reynolds), “No, you’re never going to know.” They at least addressed it, wich suits me fine.
-There is a cool site that has Serenity acted out with paper puppets. Click here to see it. Click here to see why I couldn’t see it until I had seen Serenity.
-Finally someone made a show about Space Cowboys. Man, that’s awesome.
-The characters are too good. I think Whedon’s characters (in general) may have sparked the beginning of my inability to distinguish fantasy from reality. However, no one on this show was better than Anya.
-The theme song to the series was REALLY bad. I hated it.
-The Jaynestown episode was SO stupid. If there’s a stand alone episode about Jayne, they could have made it not suck so bad. I suppose he was suposed to learn a lesson in it, but that would fundamentaly change his character. And, just like the theme song, the epic folk song about him sucks. Goddam mud people can’t write a song to save their lives.
-Still drunk, want to move on. Maybe I’ll add more later.
-Watch this. NOW!

Woo-Hoo! We got a good one! This makes up for that Lance Bass thing. We also got that adorable guy from Grey’s Anatomy (a show I don’t watch), but this is more significant to me because way back when Doogie Howser was on, he was the first guy I ever had a crush on. Of course I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back it makes total sense.
For the whole story go here.

I know some of you who know me are thinking “But neither of these guys have beards.” Hey, I break type once in a while.

A few people now have told me that I should see this show. Today I finally got around to renting the 2003 miniseries. What can I say? Damn, this is good shit.
I’ve heard a few of the homosexual geeks I tend to cavort with fawning over that Apollo guy. I have to disagree and say that the hottest guy on the show is the rarely seen Capt. Kelly.

I also like how their sheets of paper don’t have corners. Anyone privy as to why this is? I have to stay away from researching this nit-picky knowledge to avoid spoilers. So don’t tell me if the corners of a sheet of paper are a huge part of the plot later on.

Every once in a while I catch SNL and am shortly after reminded of why I no longer watch it. Fortunatley tonight that reminder came in the monologue, right at the beginning. I did not know who the man doing stand-up was, but my guess was that he was the winner of Last Comic Standing. Either that or someone who was made famous for some other reason, but wanted to do a comic routine for his mono. Apparently Dane Cook, who is the lead in a new movie, Employee of the Month, co-starring Jessica Simpson, actually makes his living as a comedian and has even had an HBO special. This baffles me becasue he was not the slightest bit funny.
He started on how negative people like to gossip and how they love company and stuff. I am a negative person and he must have meant negative people who are negative for attention, not negative people who actually hate others and don’t want attention. I am not offended by this because I’m sure no one will remember his set. I mean the audience was only kind of politley laughing. He also went on the humorously describe how negative people describe another’s suicide. That’s fine with me, just make it funny.
He did get one laugh out of me in a joke involving California driving laws. But it’s not funny enough for me to go into.
And sometimes he acts really gay.
It looks like Cook will be in the new Transformers movie to be released next year. It’s also being directed by Michael Bay. With this combo, I’m sure another of my childhood memories will be shat upon.
Update:I told my friend Nate about this review and he said that Dane Cook was really funny and he liked him a lot. I’m rethinking being friends with him.

I don’t remember when The State went off the air. I DO remember wanting to watch their Halloween special on CBS one year, but my mom wanted to watch something else. Five years ago I was fortunate enough to purchase every episode off of eBay for $80! I have no idea where those tapes are now. After The State, sopme of the gang got together for Viva Variety on Comedy Central which was based on a State sketch. It wasn’t nearly as good.

A few years ago, a glimmer of hope began to shine as Reno 911 started on Comedy Central. They now have three seasons on DVD. Not having cable I don’t know if they are still airing original episodes but I sure as fuck hope so. If they can’t bring me stuff I liked from the 90’s like The State, 120 Minutes and Hibernia Beach (this refers to a local San Francisco gay radio call-in show on the modern rock station before they sold out their original programming for Howard Stern and Loveline), at least I have this. And it makes me happy.
I’ve always had a thing for Tom Lennon, who I always suspected is the brains behind this comedy team. He and Kerri Kenney are an unbeatable team. Now Lennon plays a gay cop in short shorts. Woo-Hoo! The rest of the cast is damn perfect. If you don’t like this show it must be because you don’t like this brand of humor, not that the actors are doing a bad job. Most of the scenes have a large amount of improvising and one of the features on the DVD is long uncut scenes of these improvisations. The actors keep it up for about 15 minutes proving their professional might. Im not making sense anymore.


And they like to throw around the “N word”.

Yes, I watch a couple soap operas, but no, I don’t think anyone on any of them is “hot.” However, a new actor has replaced one of the characters on Passions and I have to say he is reasonably cute. He’s a decent actor and is also able to emulate that awful fucking accent the other guy had. I don’t even know where he’s supposed to be from…England, Australia? who the hell knows? The problem is that the Passions website says nothing about a new actor so this may just be temporary.

One of my earliest reviews was for the phone sex ads they show on network tv, and I rated them rather well. However, the one exeption are the ones aimed at me. Honestly the thought of touching one of these guys makes me want to ralph, blow chunks, hurl. I’m wierd, I guess.