You sunk my battleship.

More tales of woe from the world of craigslist. Does anyone mind that I keep posting these pity-party rejection letters? Oh well, I’m going to do it anyway. I think that it’s a pretty ridiculous endeavor and hopefully it will offer a different perspective than something like Junior Varsity Meat Market, which usually leaves a bad taste in my mouth. (For the record: I think that site is funny,but just a little too mean.)

So to begin, here’s my first rejection letter of the morning:

well i dont want to be rude by any means.. but i cant see that we have a lot in common- except the grocery store thing..
im sorry.. you might just be a little bit more advanced in things like me.. like your vocabulary… i wasnt even quite sure what some of those things were..
but thanks for your response!

And here’s the second one in my inbox:

I wanted to say thank you for such a thoughtful and transparent email response. If was very refreshing as compared to say …..this:

“I am not even going to pretend to be worthy to go out with you or pretend to
be what you are looking for. In fact, I would feel lucky just to be used by
you. That being said… will you please use me? As pathetic as this
sounds, I will pay you for a coffee date. I will also do anything you say.
If you tell me meet you at the mall and buy you a new pair of shoes, I will.
I would feel lucky a woman as pretty as you let me spent time with her,
even if it was just to use me. Of if you would want to meet for coffee, I
would pay you for your time. Bring a girlfriend if you want, for safety. I
have humiliated myself before by paying a woman for a coffee date, so I
don’t mind doing something this desperate and pitiful.

thank you.”

So again…thank you! I am however, going to continue my search for someone A. Closer to my age (try as I might, I’m not Demi Moore) B. Someone closer in proximity to me, or with a more reliable mode of transportation.

Keep on Beard rockin in the USA! :::snicker:::

Alright, so those were actually pretty good rejection letters. For all intensive purposes I didn’t do half bad. Things could have been worse, yadda yadda. Yeah, I thought the same thing, and if it weren’t for this letter I probably wouldn’t even bother sharing this ordeal:

Thank you so much for your email. I enjoyed reading your writing very much. I said I would respond to everyone and it is taking me a bit of time so here is my response to you. Though I enjoyed your email I am going to have to pass. I don’t think there would be enough of a physical attraction for it to work out. I hope that I haven’t offended you in anyway and good luck.

Jesus Christ! OF COURSE you offended me! Did she really feel that “obligated” to write me back just to say that she found me repulsive? Was that really necessary?

But really, I won’t be bitter about it- and there’s no need for consoling because I’m taking it all in stride. Instead of exacting revenge (at least entirely by myself) I’m going to put this matter into your hands. It would really warm my heart if you guys voted on which of these three letters I should have my mom respond to. Included in your vote, please briefly state some ideas for how my dear old mom should frame her response.

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Published:: 11.09.05 / 10pm

Category:: Open Discussion

JK 11.10.05 / 1am

Man that’s deep. Are you sure your heart is ready to delve further into the unknown? Are you sure you want to continue into the anonymous hurt of craigslist’s online dating scene?

Don’t get me wrong. It is an interesting/entertaining thing to read about — therefore I salute you for providing it. But, something doesn’t seem right. Maybe a tact to take is to create a readers group or potluck meeting or whatever, where there isn’t the “baggage” of everything being a *one on one* date. Then, this is also the path of least resistance and is rather boring. So take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

halfbaked hannah 11.10.05 / 1am

Cyrano you crack me up….boy you can still wow them with your words would you please try and take a decent picture…Maybe get your sister involve she takes a great picture. I’m laughing so hard, I have tears this is about the funniest thing you done yet.
What ever happen to good old fashioned friends introducing friends associations, Or for that matter the cute smart counter help at the local coffee shop.
Mom

El 11.10.05 / 10am

I want your Mom to write to the guy whose letter was cited in the second response. You might never have sex with him, but I’m sure an assoiciation with a character like that will raise your poise and self-esteem to levels that will make you irresistable to the ladies. And lead to, you know, sex.

Tyrone Stylez 11.10.05 / 8pm

I vote for number one. Make sure the response is predominantly monosyllabic and uses lots of emoticons and LOLs. :twisted::evil::neutral::shock::oops: Maybe throw in a 420 reference for good measure.

“you might just be a little bit more advanced in things like me..”? I’d say that’s a resounding yes.

Also, Landon: alive? zombie? cult leader? I owe you a call, amigo.

Kylark 11.13.05 / 9am

It’s things like this that make me glad I’m a girl. I didn’t find the “physical attraction” thing offensive; maybe she’s just trying to tell you you’re not her type. Sex is the glue that holds relationships together. It’s not a sufficient condition, but it is a necessary one, IMO. (Ha ha, that sounds terribly cynical.)

That said, if I were in this situation and an interesting, smart guy wrote me, I’d probably go out with him even if I wasn’t intrigued by his photo, because 1) pictures can lie (they can’t convey sense of smell, for example), and 2) the person might turn out to be a good friend.

halfbaked hannah 11.13.05 / 10am

I never thought about this from a guy side, but having a son puts this in a whole new light. I thought men always had the easy part.
I agree about pictures totally they don’t tell you a thing unless it’s a picture that captures an emotions…
Since Garrett tends to be so silly in pictures he might as well be smashing his face on a window. That’s about as distorted as they are. I’m wondering if his dream girl is just on the other side of the window looking at him smashing her face back and he just can’t see her.
Mom

admin 11.13.05 / 12pm

For the record, the way I smell is definitely NOT going to help me in this situation.

But otherwise, yeah I think you’re right kylark - I guess I was just upset by the fact that my jpegs had been turned down. She read what I wrote and found it suitable enough, but then we she got to my little pixelated squares I was no longer worth getting to know.
I know that my only chance really is to meet someone in person and actually interact with them - I’m pretty good at that. But I have 1) a serious addiction to the internet 2) a job that offers little socializing (only on my breaks) - so I never find myself in the right situation to meet people. So back to square one.

I think I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and get some “Glamour Shots” and toss away these pictures I’ve been sending of my face smashed against the scanner.

Garrett

halfbaked hannah 11.13.05 / 9pm

You’ve changed your hair again…it a great new shade but some thing about you has changed.
MOM

cub 11.14.05 / 10am

You look mah-velous, dah-link!

Garrett- don’t you recognize that you have had more beautiful, smart, and funny girlfriends than any other guy -at least when you lived in Arcata?

Need I drop names? Erin? Stephanie? That cute girl from the ’stupid kids’ band? (did I get their name right?)

Ah, you’ve got a lot of things going for you-obviously. Besides, those girls that you documented that turned you down probably don’t enough going for them to keep you interested.

You aren’t being shallow by just going for the pretty ones, though?

Maybe there’s a nice girl with a mashed face picture out on craigslist you ignored?

Perhaps craigslists’ numbers of funny, good looking and smart women is on the decline.

Well, good luck playing the field. Or… Were you hoping to find a girl to pop a couple kids out for you?

Miss you, Garrett. By the way, your mom’s comments are great. You’re lucky to have your parents!

-Rachel

Hey, computer whiz-

Can you add an edit function so I don’t have to look at my stupid grammar and punctuation mistakes?

tim boucher 11.20.05 / 11am

I tend to agree with JK here. No good can come of online dating - and I say that with the voice of a fair amount of experience. To make a broad generalization that includes myself at one point, people try to date online because it’s not working out in the “real world” for some reason. So you’re automatically being forced into choosing from a pool or rejects and weirdos - with, of course, the occasional glimmer of accidental magic.

I’d say if you’re just trying to get a casual lay, then you need to hone your skills at the classic dance-club style pickup. Your personality and approach will win you points if you have somebody to show you the ropes - because the girls out dancing will never have seen a guy like you before. And you’ll gain much-needed experience about quickly reading signals and sizing up opportunities, and rapidly overcoming rejection.

If you’re looking for something beyond the make-out session, I like JK’s idea again of starting some kind of discussion group or something. I know Jeremy has some interest in doing this as well - getting together a group of people to talk about like religion, and whatever else comes up. If you pitch this right and make it inviting, the majority of the people interested will likely be girls. And if nobody in your group is suitable, you simply network. Friends of friends are always better than (1) internet strangers, (2) club sluts, etc.

Maybe I’ve just been watching a lot of Twin Peaks lately, but there’s a line that I think applies to your situation. When Hawk talks about how if you face the Black Lodge with imperfect courage, you’ll be annihilated. Of course girls are rejecting you - you’re asking them out on the internet for chrissakes!

Anyway, I hope none of this came off as too harsh. It’s just advice coming from somebody who’s been in the same situation.

oh, one other alternative to the out-and-out discussion group is to get into the habit of a regular hang-out with a shifting group of friends. say, you go to a pub every friday for happy hour, and you do it for like three months straight. that way, you get into a pattern where you can basically run into old friends or whatever, and say, “hey come meet us here at X”. and if people know its reliable, you’ll start getting bigger and bigger groups. friends will bring their friends, and so on. also, invite everybody you meet who you think would be interesting. a girl at a coffee shop you chat with, somebody at the bookstore, whatever. the whole thing of it just being a regular thing you always do with your friends takes away the “danger” of the one on one date vibe. and tell them to bring their friends. etc. then you dont even need to exchange phone numbers or anything. if they want to see you again, theyll know where and how. if they dont, its all good. just ask EVERYBODY and always have a core group of at least 4-5 people and be consistent. i think at our peak of doing this, my brother and i had like 30+ people in one bar this one night. shit totally works, possibly better than anything else

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You sunk my battleship.

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