Marty Mc

My friend Landon sent me an email today that brought back a ton of memories from our college days in the dorms of Humboldt State University. Besides the copious amounts of porn, napster music, and monkey’s-scratching-ass-sniffing-fingers -and-falling-out-of-tree videos that we downloaded with the newly acquired access to ethernet cable — we also took part in hilarious internet scandals. I used to write insane prayer requests to online churches and wonder if God would answer my requests if they didn’t make sense? We’d fuck with people endlessly online and cackle into the evenings with our our hijinks.

This is the email he sent to me:

” Ah, it’s been years since I got an email meant for someone else.

From: “XXX XXXX”
To: martymc@XXX.com
Subject: Just to say hi…
Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2006 10:58:45 -0700

Hi hon. just got in from cutting the front and side grass before its 34 again today. The dude that was to come and weed and feed while I was camping didn’t show up and when I got back the lawn was pretty burnt. I phone him Fri. andhe said someone would come yesterday aft., but they didn’t. I was just on the seb looking for natural weed killers so I can do it myself without killing everything.

It’s great to know I don’t have to go to work tomorrow or for the week as far as that goes. I fly to Calgary Wed. at 4:30 and return Sunday at the same time. I’m looking forward to seeing Lynnell and Gail. I go right back out on the road when I get back so wanted to drop a note so you know I’m still alive. Sure is quiet without the baby here. I’ve only had one walk since and I just can’t bring myself to go into the bush yet. I have to go to pick up her ashes while I’m off.

I suppose you’re still putting in the very long days. I hope you have no sign of fires as they sure seem to be raging in the north. We had a very wet week. I got soaked to the skin Tues. I ran into John and Katherine in the Wal-Mart parking lot. He was taking her to get her picture taken..He had a little towel over her head and I used that to dry my feet on his insistance. He said he had gotten a lot of negative remarks on the paper he was working on so wasn’t too happy about that. He also said it would take about a week to compile your report.

I don’t have much news. I’ve been awake at 4:30 every morning including when we camped with the birds chirping so all my work is done. We now have a free movie channel, so when its too hot, I lay around watching movies. I bet you’d love a chance to do the same.

I love you a ton. Can you tell me where your grad pictures can be viewed so I can have a look at them or do you want me to wait so we can decide together.

It was great talking to you. Take care of yourself….Love Mum”

You see, there is something about Landon’s email that apparently makes it a pretty commonly misinterpreted destination. He found it rather inocuous to name his address after Mr. McFly from back to the future, but ever since then his inbox has become a haven for wrongly sent letters. I asked him to send me the ones that he’s saved, and he even indulged me enough to write a little commentary and history about the experience he’s been having for the past seven years ….

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From: “Marty Mc Bride”
To: xxxxx
Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 19:45:40 +0000

hey!!!!
u’ve got my fucking e-mail address!!!
u know how much annoyance this has caused me!!!
HUH???????????????????????????????????????????????????
I wanna know about u to see if ure worthy!!!
Martymc_1(the real marty)

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From: Cinta Amate Puiggròs
To: xxx
Date: Fri, 04 Oct 2002 20:24:56 +0200

esto…no estas en mi messenger, desapareces, te agrego, desapareces…si no me admites me lo dices eh!!!!!!!!

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Date: Fri, 06 Dec 2002 02:48:59 -0800

Where do those pussies that were on espn have their wherehouse at in SanDiego ,please let me know because I will be there training in a couple of weeks and I feel like teaching some lessons to those cunts who fuck shit up for fighters trying to make the sport legit.You guys should be embarassed by those fuckin idiots claiming to be fighters,and talking like a bunch of fuckin crackheads …Ive seen tougher guys fight in junior high,you should have at least staged a better fight than what they were showing so at least outsiders who dont follow the sport dont think all fighters are as big of pussies and retards as your boys who were representing you guys…….

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hey marty,
is this still your email address? let me know.
your boy,
b

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this isn’t marty,
if it is then tell me who you’re favorite basketball player is.
b

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[LANDON: Note the date, a mere three weeks or so after I set up my email...I had yet to grasp the full scope of the internet's wonders. ]

From: xxx
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 20:44:56 -0500

Hi Marcia,

Are you on? Have tried calling but can’t get you.

Was visiting Mom–wasn’t a good visit–just got really sad tonight and started crying. Mom knew I was crying and told me not to cry. It is so hard. She doesn’t know my name any more but still knows my face. She knows Don’s name and that hurts too. It is the hardest thing–this alzhemizers–worse than anything!!

Well, was hoping to catch you here–call me and I will keep trying to call you.

Sure was nice being with you today for lunch–am looking to our next “date” :)

Love you,
me

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“The only commentary on any of the misdirected emails I forwarded you is that I talked to BYUBrandon on AIM one day, trying to convince him I was his friend, and even though he clearly didn’t think I was him, he asked me like four questions to know for sure, one of which was “Who won the basketball game in high school?” And I was dissapointed that I didn’t save any emails from a Brian Butt who wrote me several times over the course of a year, despite the fact that I never wrote him back. He was trying to organize a reunion of old army buddies, and I remember suspecting he was Canadian. The best one, though, was this guy Terry Watt, from New Zealand, who would sometimes send boring inspirational forwards, sometimes dirty jokes, one time a picture of the sunrise from his apartment balcony, and best, a picture of a naked girl on a boat with a deep sea fishing pole nestled in her cooch. That guy sent me random shit for like two years even though I never once wrote back…”

-Landon